It’s NO SECRET that the NSA, CIA, and court mandated probation officers are out there reading our blogs, watching our every move, and leaving flaming bags of poo on our doorsteps!
As someone determined to share the REAL TRUTH, I’m always working to stay one step ahead of them, and for that I’ve become a victim of BIOLOGICAL WARFARE.
I already know what you’re thinking. “Ben, are you suggesting the US government has been leaving flaming bags of virus-laden poop on your doorstep?”
The answer? DID YOU JUST WAKE UP OR SOMETHING? And to prove it, I’ve got the evidence right here. The following are real-time JOURNAL, not diary, entries of incidents that have occurred over the span of five hellish years.
Tues Nov 6th 10:46:14 PM 2012: Doorbell ding-dongs. Pull self away from computer to answer door, only to find paper bag engulfed in flames on porch. Quick reflexes lead me to stamp it out with foot but I’m met with even bigger problem: there’s poop in there. Shoes ruined. Jump back online to find NObama has been elected to serve second term. Message received.
Fast-forward to two years later. Surveillance has apparently picked up.
Thurs June 12th 06:17:22 AM 2014: Tiptoe out door to retrieve newspaper from neighbor’s driveway, stepped on something that caused me to slide. Looked down to find small amount of poop hidden in old newspaper placed on porch. Left slipper ruined. Someone (or someTHING) has DEFINITELY been monitoring my habits.
The most recent incident occurred just this year, and the methods are becoming more sinister. In addition to this poop-bomb, I found rolls of toilet paper strung through my trees.
Fri Mar 17th 03:56:09 PM 2017: Arrived home from pet store to find Arby’s bag on fire on front step. Ran over to kick onto lawn and surprise, surprise: poop turds inside AGAIN! Perhaps group of Bernie-brained teens jogging down street saw the culprit? Either way, five pound bag of Forti-Diet Pro Health gerbil food dropped amid commotion. SEEDS EVERYWHERE.
Because I now know that they are definitely reading this, I’ll be seeking safer ways to deliver the TRUTH. Until then, I’ll be sitting in this HazMat suit and awaiting your next move, government.