Some foreign policy experts (read: LIARS) say that terrorism is “the weapon of the weak,” an action that only people in desperate circumstances turn to. Well, say hello to the WEAPON OF THE STRONG: the amazing goddamn sword that I ordered two weeks ago.
Hah. You might expect me, as a PROLIFIC writer, to say the pen is mightier than the sword. But actually I DISAGREE. A sword like this one can and will do a VERY MUCH damage to whatever sorry son-of-a-bitch terrorist tries to commit unspeakable crimes in my basement.
IF THE GOVERNMENT CAN’T DEFEND US FROM TERROR, I WILL.
The best defense is a good offense, and the best offense is a freaking cool-ass sword (emblazoned with NORDIC RUNES and DRACONIC IMAGERY).
My new sword—whose name I CANNOT REVEAL for fear of lessening its power over terrorism—was forged by expert craftsMEN. It is not some shitty replica made of stamped and sharpened garbage steel, like most swords online. It is sharp enough to shave with, if I did that kind of thing.
So THINK TWICE before the next attack, terrorists. I have watched thousands of hours of sword tutorials on the internet, making me close to Expert status. And I will be training offline, too, starting by slashing watermelons (VERY similar to human skull!!) out back.
Some of the watermelons will be wearing turbans, some will have antifa armbands, and one will be wearing a National Public Radio T-shirt.
Consider yourselves warned.