All across this country there are cats who’ve worked for the CIA who hide their double lives behind a veil of cuteness. I’ve uncovered nine. Here are their stories.
As a spy, Henry was instrumental in discovering secret nuclear weapons sites near Havana after gaining the trust of Che Guevara who took him everywhere. In Henry’s cover life, he enjoys tummy rubs and string toys, but WHO KNOWS what he’s up to now.
Chloe used to run guns in South America in deep cover. Now her location is unknown, but the Sandinistas will not soon forget the gato negro who gained their trust, only to sell them out when Noriega came calling.
Look at his li’l feet. Aren’t they cute? Those feet pulled the trigger on the rocket that took down Flight 97. LOOK IT UP.
Pebbles likes three things: fine wine, fine women, and conducting mind-control experiments on any dupe stupid enough to pick him up from the pound. Five years, six owners, only one of whom can still speak complete sentences.
If you didn’t know any better, Bucket might look like a normal cat to you. But follow him at night and you’ll find little Bucket’s strolls seem to always take him by the bridge and water tower. What’s he looking for? A signal. Bucket’s what’s known as a “cat-napper” agent, and he’s just waiting to be activated.
In the 70’s the CIA tried to put a recording device in a cat to spy on the Soviets. Officially, the project was shut down after the bugged cat was hit by a taxi. Try telling that to Max. It won’t be hard, he hears most things from his control center.
In 1999, under assignment from President Clinton, Felix successfully assassinated and assumed the place of Fidel Castro, governing the island state until his “death” in 2016. Those of us who believe will long tell the story of Comrade “Catstro”.
You know how sometimes you hear someone say something, then when you ask them what they said they say, “I didn’t say anything”? You can thank Snowball’s involvement in the CIA’s program to make internet truth tellers look stupid with auditory hallucinations no one else can hear but I can hear and they’re real and DON’T WALK AWAY FROM ME.
SYLVESTER THE CAT INVENTED AND SOLD CRACK COCAINE IN THE UNITED STATES. BLACK LIVES MATTER BUT SYLVESTER DOESN’T THINK SO.