The government is putting CHEMICALS in the water to turn the FROGS GAY but that doesn’t mean we can’t put PRAYER in the FROGS to turn them back STRAIGHT.
Family means sometimes making decisions that the outside world might not understand, but you know are right for the people closest to you. Which is why we all agreed that our pet frog Jumper should undergo gay conversion therapy to regain his heterosexual identity.
It was the right call for our family, especially for Jumper. Ever since he got loose and we found him in our local pond next to the government water treatment plant, he hasn’t been acting himself. (WHICH I AM SURE WAS A COINCIDENCE—I’M BEING SARCASTIC HERE)
One day I was cleaning his tank and found beneath some rocks the entire Mariah Carey discography on vinyl. And if you ask me, there’s no worse sin a frog can commit than that of homoambipisexuality.
Suddenly our beloved Jumper was bringing other gay frogs back to his place to engage in what I can only describe as WILD DRUG-FUELED AMPHIBIOUS SEX ORGIES.
The last straw was seeing my darling son, Chester, witness Jumper upside down blowing one frog while two other frogs held him up and ate his ass.
That was when we decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH and had a family meeting where we all agreed it was best for Jumper to rediscover his straightness that we all missed.
And so we grabbed a large rock and smashed him to death.
We bought a another frog told our son it was Jumper. A Jumper that would follow the rules of the Bible. A Jumper that was only attracted to lady frogs. A Jumper that would be a model for Chester’s own sexual development.