It’s NO WONDER that the frogs of today have turned into such mincing, effeminate WIMPS – they don’t know anything about the super-hetero, all-American TOAD MODELS I grew up with.
The ’90s were a better time, and not just because of Dale Earnhardt and the Iraq War (the GOOD one).
It was a time when an impressionable young frog could turn on the TV and receive a full FACE-BLAST OF MAN JUICE from the burly, ass-kicking HORNY TOADS that dominated the airwaves like SLIMY SEX ICONS.
Remember the BATTLETOADS? Three RIPPED amphibi-bros that look like a cross between JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME and those hunky CANE TOADS that drove the Gay Frog Mafia out of AUSTRALIA. They murdered Communist pigs, tag-teamed a princess, and SAVAGELY ASSAULTED A LESBIAN QUEEN. Imagine a modern, sissy, “I sometimes change sexes to further species-wide reproductive efforts”
BULL(DYKE)FROG doing THAT!
Then there was DIG’EM, the Sugar Smacks MAN-scot. There was no “PLEASE” with Dig’em – he just DUG’EM, whether the PC police liked it or not.
Dig’em must have slipped some serious RED PILLS into his cereal, because he didn’t even BUY’EM – like a sexy tornado of TESTOSTERONE, Dig’em BROKE INTO PEOPLE’S HOUSES, FUCKED UP their CATS, and STOLE the precious Sugar Smacks before SELLING THEM TO CHILDREN. I keep a few hundred boxes of Sugar Smacks in the bunker as a tribute to Dig’em, a true capitalist LEGEND.
And who could forget the BUDWEISER FROGS? Bud, Weis, and Er were my best friends growing up, and nowadays no one gives them credit for introducing a whole generation of children to GOOD, WHOLESOME, AMERICAN BEER. Were it not for them, kids like me could have ended up drinking IMPORTED PISSWATER. I thank the Bud Frogs for inspiring me to teach my kids to DRINK AMERICAN before the Gay Agenda can BRAINWASH them with their Neil Patrick GAY-rris HEINEKEN commercials.
Without the Bud Frogs, today’s tadpoles have grown up drinking WATER, and we all know how THAT turned out (ANSWER: VERY GAY DUE TO GOVERNMENT CHEMICALS). But no matter how hard the GOVERNMENT tries to suppress amphibians NATURAL MALE SECRETIONS, they can’t suppress the PAST, and they can’t take away the webbed-for-her-pleasure HARDBODY frogs that defined my childhood.
Only my cucked liberal THERAPIST can do that.