I may have uncovered the greatest corporate conspiracy yet: vegan mayonnaise designated Vegenaise is secretly HORSE SEMEN. I’VE DONE THE RESEARCH.
Mayonnaise is my primary food source next to Mountain Dew and Taquitos (provided they are microwave safe and not made by actual Mexicans.) I eat it straight out of the jar to gain strength, stamina and virility. So any bastardization of my beloved favorite food offends me to no end, especially if that bastardization was created by GODLESS VEGANS. After extensive testing and speculation I have finally figured out what’s in this mysterious substance vegans call a “mayonnaise substitute.” Let’s review the facts:
- Vegans don’t eat Mayonnaise or anything patriotic.
- Vegans want animals to be happy despite GOD’S PLAN for them to be sad food
- Vegenaise is viscous and salty
There is only one super obvious conclusion here: VEGENAISE IS HORSE CUM. Look, there is nothing vegans like more than making sure animals are happier than me. Every time a vegan father pets a dog it is a PERSONAL AFFRONT to my un-patted head. (And every time a football coach pets a goat it is a PERSONAL AFFRONT to my unpatted butt, DARRYL!) Vegans want to please animals in every way possible. That’s the ONLY explanation for why I picture a vegan woman sensually massaging horses every night when I’m trying to sleep. I know it. That’s why I conducted a taste test.
I tasted various materials from lead paint, white out, rubber cement, horse cum, almond milk, and the topical cortisone cream for that thing I have. Then I compared their tastes to regular mayonnaise and Vegenaise. It was VERY difficult to stomach these substances, ESPECIALLY the almond milk. But I did it to prove a point. And that point is that Vegenaise is definitely horse cum. From a palomino horse. Extracted in late spring. Trust me, I’ve done EXTENSIVE studies. Anyway, don’t eat Vegan. It’s part of a massive conspiracy by vegans to make us HORSE GAY.