I Don’t Care What You Say, J.K. ROWLING: I Can PROVE Dumbledore Is STRAIGHT

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I am a huge Harry Potter fan and there’s nothing that former homeless writer J.K. Rowling can say to alter my view of the hyper masculine, vagina-loving, rock-hard sex-body that is Albus Dumbledore.

Albus Dumbledore is straight. 100% red-blooded hetero.

Maybe you don’t think this is a big deal, America, but from where I come from, lying to children is not OK. J.K. Rowling telling her readers that my man Albus Dumbledore is super gay is super wrong and the fact that she is trying to push this gay liberal agenda, frankly disgusts me.

What’s next?! The Sorting Hat loves gun control? Not in my Hogwarts. That hat is CONCEALING its carry.

Just look at the evidence: Where is it in any of the Harry Potter books that Dumbledore says, “Harry, I am gay”?

NO. WHERE.

And this is the book where someone tells Harry he’s a wizard by saying, “You’re a wizard, Harry.” So you fucking KNOW it would be in there if Dumbledore was actually gay.

I mean come on. You think the guy who runs Hogwarts wouldn’t be crushing pussy all the time?!

Why do you think he was never around to help Harry on his adventures? He was too busy RAVAGING both witches and muggle women around the globe with his “Elder Wand.” How can you be gay when for seven straight books, everyone is talking about your super powerful bulging wand?

And why would he have that Pensieve in his office? A magical reflecting pool where he can look back on his memories… what would a REAL MAN like Dumbledore do with something like that? I’ll tell you what- he was in there Pensieve-ing all day long, looking back at all the stupendous amounts of ass he was tapping in college. Notice how Albus always looks surprised when Harry walks in—that’s because he just got finished jerkin’ to the memories of all the witches he’s conquered.

Here’s the TRUTH: Rowling is telling people Dumbledore is gay AFTER THE FACT because she accidentally wrote a character TOO MASCULINE for her pathetic pro-woman, anti-man politics. But even though you can’t smell the vagina through the book… you can just tell Albus Dumbledore reeks of it.

P.S. GRINGOTTS GOBLINS ARE JEWS.

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