Zoloft and the Plot to Shut Down My Penis

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Big Pharma has targeted me yet again!

Big Pharma is a group of competing drug companies that always work together: AGAINST ME. I endured every rash cream scam, every foot fungus false flag, every ‘Dear Ben you have hepatitis please fill this prescription and alert your sexual partners’ letter. And now BIG PHARMA is directly targeting my PENIS!

Ever since I started taking Zoloft I have been unable to get an erection, and I know why (Hint: it’s not my diet of taquitos and pig lard.) Big Pharma wants to shut down my penis for good, because my penis has the greatest potential of any penis. My penis has the potential to create a whole new race of SUPER TRUTH TELLERS.

That’s why Big Pharma needs to shut it down now, with Zoloft, the antidepressant medication my doctor literally begged me to take: saying it might help me get out of the house for once.

Big Pharma is afraid of my seed! (Also, women are definitely not running from me because I refer to it as ‘my seed.’) I am able to discover conspiracies by connecting things no one else can—like the moon landing and Kelly Ripa’s hair—and Big Pharma needs to make sure I can never reproduce and spread my truth seed all over the country.

My penis has the power to change the world.
I whisper “you have the power to change the world” to it every night before I go to sleep.

But no pep talk could stand up to Zoloft and the nanobots inside each pill that are actively pulling my penis down every time I visit PornHub.  These nanobots also infect my brain with images of mommy every time I try to have intercourse with a woman.

Why else would that happen?

Obviously it’s because I have the power to create a race of great American super sleuths. That’s why I put Vaseline on a q-tip and shove it up my pee hole to short circuit the nanobots.  If I can be sure there are no pharma spies reading this blog, I may even upload a tutorial on how to put Vaseline on a q-tip and shove it up your pee hole. Comments

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