AM I MUSLIM NOW? Pork Made Me Very Sick Yesterday

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Something TERRIBLE has happened.

If you are a regular reader of this site then you know that TERRIBLE THINGS ARE ALWAYS HAPPENING but this one is pretty personal. I am worried a chain of events is in motion to turn me into a follower of Islam, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

THE STORY SO FAR: Yesterday afternoon I dined alone at one of my (FORMER) favorite establishments: The Golden Corral. Normally, I do not call out businesses on my blog because free advertising is just a few inches away from full-blown Socialism, but Golden Corral is where MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER.

One of the buffet items this week was some kind of ROAST PORK, roast “something something about Hawaii” I think it was called. The pork was delicious, and even had pineapple pieces in it. But, hours after imbibing in the delicious pig meat, I started to convulse and expel the dish from 3 (possibly 4) holes of my pristine body. Again, the pork was phenomenal, so there is only one explanation.

I AM TURNING MUSLIM.

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Most of you already know that pork is to Allah worshippers what garlic is to vampires. To a Muslim, pork is their biggest (ONLY??) weakness. Only this can explain what happened to me last night.

I’m so sorry.

From my research, however, I know there is a glimmer of hope left. To fully become Muslim, one must recite something called the “shahada,” a short prayer that reads “There is no god but God. Muhammad is the messenger of God.”

I wish I could say FOR SURE that I will never utter that sentence out loud with my mouth, BUT I CANNOT. I could easily say it out loud by accident. What if it’s the answer to a trivial question or, worse, it’s written on a sign and then someone without glasses is like, “I forgot my glasses, can you read that sign for me?” It’s more of a “when” rather than an “if.”

Thank you all for your support. If you never hear from me again, ASSUME THE WORST.

For more information about MY MISADVENTURES AS A NEW MUSLIM, follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. Comments

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