AM I MUSLIM NOW? Pork Made Me Very Sick Yesterday

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Something TERRIBLE has happened.

If you are a regular reader of this site then you know that TERRIBLE THINGS ARE ALWAYS HAPPENING but this one is pretty personal. I am worried a chain of events is in motion to turn me into a follower of Islam, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

THE STORY SO FAR: Yesterday afternoon I dined alone at one of my (FORMER) favorite establishments: The Golden Corral. Normally, I do not call out businesses on my blog because free advertising is just a few inches away from full-blown Socialism, but Golden Corral is where MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER.

One of the buffet items this week was some kind of ROAST PORK, roast “something something about Hawaii” I think it was called. The pork was delicious, and even had pineapple pieces in it. But, hours after imbibing in the delicious pig meat, I started to convulse and expel the dish from 3 (possibly 4) holes of my pristine body. Again, the pork was phenomenal, so there is only one explanation.



Most of you already know that pork is to Allah worshippers what garlic is to vampires. To a Muslim, pork is their biggest (ONLY??) weakness. Only this can explain what happened to me last night.

I’m so sorry.

From my research, however, I know there is a glimmer of hope left. To fully become Muslim, one must recite something called the “shahada,” a short prayer that reads “There is no god but God. Muhammad is the messenger of God.”

I wish I could say FOR SURE that I will never utter that sentence out loud with my mouth, BUT I CANNOT. I could easily say it out loud by accident. What if it’s the answer to a trivial question or, worse, it’s written on a sign and then someone without glasses is like, “I forgot my glasses, can you read that sign for me?” It’s more of a “when” rather than an “if.”

Thank you all for your support. If you never hear from me again, ASSUME THE WORST.

For more information about MY MISADVENTURES AS A NEW MUSLIM, follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. Comments

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